Wolfie Posted August 22, 2009 Share Posted August 22, 2009 Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong. Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose!! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a Kiss mark from his wife in lipstick: 'Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian' He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His 16 year old son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, 'Son. What happened last night?' 'Well, you came home after 3 AM, drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, And you got that black eye when you ran into the door.' Confused, he asked his son, 'So, why is everything in such perfect order And so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for Me??' His son replies, 'Oh THAT... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when She tried to take your pants off, you screamed, 'Leave me alone b****, I'm married!!' Broken Coffee Table $239.99 Hot Breakfast $4.20 Two Aspirins $.38 Saying the right thing, at the right time: "PRICELESS" My joke and I hope you laugh! 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wolfie Posted August 22, 2009 Share Posted August 22, 2009 I do not feel that 3DDumbo 3DDippin-3DPants is very elegant! But that's my new name! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lmgervais Posted August 22, 2009 Share Posted August 22, 2009 I do not feel that 3DDumbo 3DDippin-3DPants is very elegant! But that's my new name! Don't know what the 3D's are for, but you are now Dumbo DippinPants! LOL! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ilovecats Posted August 22, 2009 Share Posted August 22, 2009 LOL I needed that joke Heidi! Okay my new name is Sleazy Pickletush....ummmm ya *snicker*.....that's the best one so far...hehe mine's not very exciting... dorfus hubble-lips Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ilovecats Posted August 22, 2009 Share Posted August 22, 2009 Arda, I hope things look up for you soon. Getting your license was a good thing..don't regret it. You'll find something soon Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
justmesue Posted August 22, 2009 Share Posted August 22, 2009 I'm Zippy Gizzardlips. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
havanaholly Posted August 22, 2009 Share Posted August 22, 2009 Remember I'm over 65; my MIL sent me this one the other day: The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney. The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.' I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?' The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.' Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.' The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.' Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops. Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.' Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet. Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous. 'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.' The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again. Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk. The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands. 'Are you okay?' the auditor asks. 'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!' Don't Mess with Old People!! 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
heidiiiii Posted August 22, 2009 Share Posted August 22, 2009 A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it. The doctor set the pain transfer dial to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point they decided to try for 50%. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since it was obviously helping out his wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic. When they got home, the mailman was lying dead on their porch. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
doogster Posted August 22, 2009 Share Posted August 22, 2009 Holly and Heidi, both good jokes. I can't post any of mine. Bet Dean's relieved I just said that. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
havanaholly Posted August 22, 2009 Share Posted August 22, 2009 That's OK, Andrew, we're snickering, anyway; it's the thought that counts! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amyole Posted August 22, 2009 Share Posted August 22, 2009 A frog went into a bank to get a loan. The loan officer's name was Patty Black, and he had to see her to go over his application. Patty started to look over his application and asked him what he had for collateral. The frog pulled out a little statue and put it on her desk. She looked at the little statue and then looked at the frog. She said to the frog, "What is this?" The frog replied, "It's a knick-knack, Patty Black, so give this frog a loan." 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
doogster Posted August 22, 2009 Share Posted August 22, 2009 That's OK, Andrew, we're snickering, anyway; it's the thought that counts! I'd get banned. As for the name thing. I NEVER put into those programs cause they're generally designed to try to help the originator figure out your passwords. Another tip, when choosing a PIN number ASK the bank if they can generate one for you. Totally random. LEARN IT. You have a brain, you can learn your address and telephone number, learn a PIN kiddies! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
heidiiiii Posted August 22, 2009 Share Posted August 22, 2009 Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!" The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale. Bob has been missing since Friday. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pdlnpeabody Posted August 23, 2009 Share Posted August 23, 2009 I know lots of jokes, just not any that won't get me banned. Here's a true story. Yesterday I rode from work to my appointment with the physical therapist for my left knee. Only problem was I got caught in the rain on my way over (I ride a motorcycle). Everything went fine until I got off the table in the treatment room. My damp clothes got the sheet wet. As I was walking out of the room the PT leaned out of the room into the main excercise room (full of people)and said, "don't worry, I won't tell anyone you wet the bed." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wolfie Posted August 23, 2009 Share Posted August 23, 2009 Must be for my ears...... Dumbo DippinPants Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KarenC Posted August 23, 2009 Share Posted August 23, 2009 WARNING - You most likely will be laughing so hard you will have tears coming out of your eyes. Don't know whether it is true or not or the author but it's hilarious! I was on Brice Street - a very nice neighborhood with perfect lawns and slow traffic. As I passed an oncoming car, a brown furry missile shot out from under it and tumbled to a stop immediately in front of me. It was a squirrel, and must have been trying to run across the road when it encountered the car. I really was not going very fast, but there was no time to brake or avoid it -- it was that close. I hate to run over animals, and I really hate it on a motorcycle, but a squirrel should pose no danger to me. I barely had time to brace for the impact. Animal lovers never fear. Squirrels, I discovered, can take care of themselves! Inches before impact, the squirrel flipped to his feet. He was standing on his hind legs and facing my oncoming Valkyrie with steadfast resolve in his beady little eyes. His mouth opened, and at the last possible second, he screamed and leapt! I am pretty sure the scream was squirrel for, Bonsai!" or maybe, "Die you gravy-sucking, heathen scum!" The leap was nothing short of spectacular... He shot straight up, flew over my windshield, and impacted me squarely in the chest. Instantly, he set upon me. If I did not know better, I would have sworn he brought 20 of his little buddies along for the attack. Snarling, hissing, and tearing at my clothes, he was a frenzy of activity. As I was dressed only in a light T-shirt, summer riding gloves, and jeans this was a bit of a cause for concern. This furry little tornado was doing some damage! Picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a T-shirt, and leather gloves, puttering at maybe 25 mph down a quiet residential street, and in the fight of his life with a squirrel. And losing... I grabbed for him with my left hand. After a few misses, I finally managed to snag his tail. With all my strength, I flung the evil rodent off to the left of the bike, almost running into the right curb as I recoiled from the throw. That should have done it. The matter should have ended right there. It really should have. The squirrel could have sailed into one of the pristinely kept yards and gone on about his business, and I could have headed home. No one would have been the wiser. But this was no ordinary squirrel. This was not even an ordinary angry squirrel. This was an EVIL MUTANT ATTACK SQUIRREL OF DEATH! Somehow he caught my gloved finger with one of his little hands and, with the force of the throw, swung around and with a resounding thump and on amazing impact; he landed squarely on my BACK and resumed his rather antisocial and extremely distracting activities. He also managed to take my left glove with him! The situation was not improved. Not improved at all. His attacks were continuing, and now I could not reach him. I was startled, to say the least. The combination of the force of the throw, only having one hand (the throttle hand) on the handlebars, and my jerking back unfortunately put a healthy twist through my right hand and into the throttle. A healthy twist on the throttle of a Valkyrie can only have one result. Torque. This is what the Valkyrie is made for, and she is very, very good at it. The engine roared and the front wheel left the pavement. The squirrel screamed in anger. The Valkyrie screamed in ecstasy. I screamed in... Well... I just plain screamed. Now picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a slightly squirrel-torn t-shirt, wearing only one leather glove, and roaring at maybe 50 mph and rapidly accelerating down a quiet residential street on one wheel, with a demonic squirrel of death on his back. The man and the squirrel are both screaming bloody murder. With the sudden acceleration I was forced to put my other hand back on the handlebars and try to get control of the bike. This was leaving the mutant squirrel to his own devices, but I really did not want to crash into somebody's tree, house, or parked car. Also, I had not yet figured out how to release the throttle... my brain was just simply overloaded. I did manage to mash the back brake, but it had little effect against the massive power of the big cruiser. About this time the squirrel decided that I was not paying sufficient attention to this very serious battle (maybe he was an evil mutant satanic attack squirrel of death), and he came around my neck and got INSIDE my full-face helmet with me. As the faceplate closed part way, he began hissing in my face. I am quite sure my screaming changed intensity. It had little effect on the squirrel, however. The RPMs on the Dragon maxed out (since I was not bothering with shifting at the moment), so her front end started to drop. Now picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a very raggedly torn T-shirt, wearing only one leather glove, roaring at probably 80 mph, still on one wheel, with a large puffy squirrel's tail sticking out of the mostly closed full-face helmet. By now the screams are probably getting a little hoarse. Finally I got the upper hand ... I managed to grab his tail again, pulled him out of my helmet, and slung him to the left as hard as I could. This time it worked ... sort-of. Spectacularly sort-of ...so to speak. Picture a new scene. You are a cop. You and your partner have pulled off on a quiet residential street and parked with your windows down to do some paperwork. Suddenly a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a torn T-shirt flapping in the breeze, and wearing only one leather glove, moving at probably 80 mph on one wheel, and screaming bloody murder roars by, and with all his strength throws a live squirrel grenade directly into your police car. I heard screams. They weren't mine... I managed to get the big motorcycle under control and dropped the front wheel to the ground. I then used maximum braking and skidded to a stop in a cloud of tire smoke at the stop sign of a busy cross street. I would have returned to 'fess up (and to get my glove back). I really would have. Really... Except for two things. First, the cops did not seem interested or the slightest bit concerned about me at the moment. When I looked back, the doors on both sides of the patrol car were flung wide open. The cop from the passenger side was on his back, doing a crab walk into somebody's front yard, quickly moving away from the car. The cop who had been in the driver's seat was standing in the street, aiming a riot shotgun at his own police car. So, the cops were not interested in me. They often insist to "let the professionals handle it" anyway. That was one thing. The other? Well, I could clearly see shredded and flying pieces of foam and upholstery from the back seat. But I could also swear I saw the squirrel in the back window, shaking his little fist at me. That is one dangerous squirrel. And now he has a patrol car. A somewhat shredded patrol car ... but it was all his. I took a deep breath, turned on my turn-signal, made a gentle right turn off of Brice Street, and sedately left the neighborhood. I decided it was best to just buy myself a new pair of gloves. And a whole lot of Band-Aids. Karen Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hallowell Posted August 23, 2009 Share Posted August 23, 2009 :lol: OH MY GOSH :woohoo: Oh yes, I'm Crusty Pottyfanny. Such a proud name. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pdlnpeabody Posted August 23, 2009 Share Posted August 23, 2009 Karen, As a motorcycle rider I can say most riders are familiar with that story, and there is a very real possibility that it might be a true story. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
heidiiiii Posted August 23, 2009 Share Posted August 23, 2009 Things Only Women Understand 10. Cats' facial expressions 9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors 8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds 7. Fat clothes 6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time 5. The difference between beige, off-white, and eggshell 4. Cutting your bangs to make them grow 3. Eyelash curlers 2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made And the number One thing only women understand: 1. OTHER WOMEN Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
heidiiiii Posted August 23, 2009 Share Posted August 23, 2009 A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter. After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty! One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?" "My darling," he replied, "I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
woodland_miniatures Posted August 23, 2009 Share Posted August 23, 2009 Oh, these started my day out right, especially since I'm looking at an empty bank account and the toilet paper running out fast - HOWEVER, there is that auction going on elsewhere.... Dorfus Pottybrain here (must have to do with the TP) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
champagne Posted August 26, 2009 Share Posted August 26, 2009 My new name is Snickle Chickendoodle. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ItzKathyP Posted September 5, 2009 Share Posted September 5, 2009 Hi! My name is Tootsie Frickenhump, and I believe I must be Heidi's 4th cousin twice removed. I'm no longer in my right mind, having just read the motorcycle story. My sides ache from laughing & my blouse is wet from the tears that were streaming down my face. I'm sitting here totally alone in the house except for my dogs, SCREAMING with laughter, and they're looking at me like I've lost my mind (hence the "no longer in my right mind" remark.) What a great way to start a weekend - thanks for the laughs, everyone!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
havanaholly Posted September 5, 2009 Share Posted September 5, 2009 For those of us concerned about the H1N1 virus, aka Swine Flu, my DMIL sent us this warning of what will happen if we get it: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Muriel Posted September 18, 2009 Share Posted September 18, 2009 Along the same subject as Holly: Poor Piglet!! Though why they needed to tie him up as well as wearing the masks I'm not sure Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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