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I am so bummed


ilovecats
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I don't usually post sad stuff on this forum because I don't think this is the place to drag everyone down with life troubles. I just don't have anyone else to talk to right now and need to get this off of my chest.

I just got off the phone with my brother (my favorite brother). He and his wife separated 2 weeks ago. I am so bummed for him, his wife and his two kids. He didn't tell anyone, he just told me today. They have been together for 18 years. High school sweethearts, beautiful family, two great kids. I thought they were solid. They have troubles just like any other family out there. She decided she didn't want to be with my brother anymore and told him so. She just lost a bunch of weight and is feeling very confident in herself which is great but sad that this is her next step. It's just heartbreaking. My brother is an excellant person, very hard working, good looking and a very nice guy. He would do anything for her. I told him he's welcome to live with me but he's getting his own apartment. he's staying with friends for now. I told him to call me anyone time if he needs anything or needs to talk. I talked to him about approaching his wife to talk to a marriage counselor and if she refuses, that counseling would be beneficial for him. It really helped me thru a tough time when I got separated from my ex husband. Anyway, they have 2 teenage kids. I'm sure they are heartbroken as well. I know how he feels, my ex husband did this to me and i know how heartbroken and hurt i was. i told him not to lash out in anger, that is what she will feed off of and remember. I told him to be supportive of her decision and give it a little time. If things work out, then great, but to know that they may not work out. Just don't lash out in anger. Especially when there are kids involved. Anyway, i got all teary eyed when he told me, i want them both to be happy and i'm so sad for them both...well all 4 of them really.

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I'm sending some hugs for you. The older I get, the more and more that I realize how very complicated life and relationships really are. Two weeks ago my niece (teenager) phoned to tell me that her parents (my sister and her husband) told her that they were getting a divorce. They've been married over 22 years.

I've talked with my sister since then (I'm actually far closer to her 2 daughters than I've ever been with her - we're so very different). There have been problems, and after talking with them I don't think any amount of counseling will reconcile their marriage. She's spent so many years pretending that everything is just fine for her kids' sake, that she just doesn't have any love left for her husband. There is a lot more to it that it seems on the surface.

I really sympathize with you, Marg, and your brother and his family. It's really tough to see dreams die. I really believe though that the only two people who really know what goes on in a marriage are the two people that live in it. The children, friends and family members see only glimpses into their lives.

My nieces: age 19 and 21 have guilted their mother into giving the marriage another chance. In talking with my sister, she's still checking out real estate in another city. She wants to move back home (she lives about a 2-3 hour drive from here), to be nearer to me, our brothers, and mum and dad. She only wanted to stop her daughters' tears and "give the family a good Christmas". I disagree with her, but its her choice. One day she's going to have to stop playing "make believe".

I do hope your brother will take some counselling, even if his wife and he don't take it together. I think that their children also will need counselling to help them understand.

Hugs

-Susanne

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Thanks for the input :rofl:

I definately agree, Susanne, there are two people in the relationship and 2 sides to every relationship/experience. I just feel so bad because I do feel like they are wonderful as a family unit, good times and bad...i've just admired them for so long. It's not fair to anyone if there is no love left and a couple stays together for the kids. I am just grieving this change and loss is all and I hate to think of the hurt that is going on right now for all of them. I would hate for my brother to stay in a loveless marriage, or for my SIL to stay if she is unhappy, but I just think it's such a sad thing that it has come to this.

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Marg --

I too, feel that these type of situations are so very sad. All of those years and all of those wonderful memories that have been shared. And now, they will be sort of starting over again ... but not really. They will be forever tied through their children.

I know that since hearing this news from my sister and her daughters, I'm even more convinced that it is important that we say what we mean: that we don't make promises that we might not be able to keep. But then again, people change. We must change and grow. Sometimes though, we can grow apart.

I totally know how you feel though - I feel like I've been kicked in the gut with this news.

Hugs

-Susanne

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Well, just spoke with my brother again. He is going to come stay here in my house for a couple of weeks until his apartment is available. I'm going to empty out my spare bedroom (i was going to do that soon anyway to make room for my dollhouses (to display))...anyway, he's going to come over on sunday so that gives me the rest of the week to start cleaning! I'm going to put my Garfield dollhouse project on hold for a couple of weeks while he is here.

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I'm so sorry to learn of your sadness. Divorce is indeed traumatic for all involved. Sounds like you gave your brother some excellent advice, and I'm glad you have the opportunity to do something for him. I'm sure you must feel like you want to do something -- anything to reach out and help him. How wonderful of you to give him a safe place to land.

Hugs to you and your brother and his family.

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I'm so sorry Marg, I've seen this kind of thing happen so many times (besides to me personally). I hate seeing it happen to loved ones and co-workers. There oughtta be a law...

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This is sad news for the whole family ... and yes, there are so many layers to our relationships that it's impossible to truly know what goes on between two people. Great that you can be there for your brother, no matter the outcome. :rofl:

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That is so sad. I feel bad for all involved, especially the kids. It's so hard to be a teenager, but to have this upheaval added to their 'load' will make things more difficult.

And I know you're hurting, too - especially since the news is so recent. It's like a wound or an illness. Your brother is lucky to have you.

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<wrapping arms around you in a hug> Marg, I'm sorry that you have to go thru this. It's wonderful that you're letting your brother come stay with you while he gets his balance back. He'll need a sister's love (and teasing) more than ever right now.

Deb

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i told him not to lash out in anger, that is what she will feed off of and remember. I told him to be supportive of her decision and give it a little time. If things work out, then great, but to know that they may not work out. Just don't lash out in anger. Especially when there are kids involved. Anyway, i got all teary eyed when he told me, i want them both to be happy and i'm so sad for them both...well all 4 of them really.

I think that was very sound advice. My thoughts are with all of you.

Lisa R.

(Unfortunately with experience.)

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These liife events, especially divorce, do hurt the rest of the families. I know when DS#1 divorced his first wife we (knowing him) tried to be there for her & the granddaughter, and after it was finally over she demonstrated to our satisfaction her share of the breakup (which is why we shared so little time with our DGD that today we have no relationship with her at all!).

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sounds like SIL has decided the grass is greener on the other side of the fence and she would like to try it out. you gave your brother good advice. first off when children are involved the parents should still show a united front and make child rearing choices together. getting angry or lashing out will make that hard if not impossible to do.

2nd of all....childhood sweethearts??? perhaps if she has some time to herself to grow as a person she will come to realize just what she had.

you are in a tough spot sweetie. but loving words and support are just the thing for now.

perhaps you shouldnt put the Garf on the back burner....brother might like a little diversion to take his mind off his issues!

huggggzzzz

nutti :)

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It's always so sad when this happens. I am sending you & your family Big Hugs Marg!! It has happened in my family too. My older brother and his wife divorced 7 years ago. They had two small children. Now they are 11 & 18 and it's hard all around for the family. They married young (18). They are both remarried now. It's so weird to see them all at family functions now (My brother & new wife, Ex-wife & her new husband ). Her husband used to be my brothers best friend :) and we did not see that coming at all.

My wish is that they both find happiness. They need it to raise their 2 kids. Also, life's too short to be unhappy.

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Marg, I'm so sorry you're going through this. Your brother is lucky to have you in his life. No matter what their issues were, please don't make your SIL feel like an outcast. She is probably hurting too. Be kind to both of them and try not to take sides.

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I'm so sorry to hear about this, Marg. I'm glad you can be there for your brother, and for his kids as well. I hope that everything works out for the best for you all. Sending hugs down your way.

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Thanks for the feedback guys.

Wendy, i do agree, i doubt i'll see much of her, i don't usually see her but a few times a year.

Lynette, i think the grass is greener is at least in part a correct statement. Like i said i don't know all the particulars of their life and i know people can change over time and no longer fit in a particular relationship but i do know she has always been super materialistic, gets everything she wants and wants more more more. Due to the housing crisis , (my brother works in the housing construction industry, he's a contractor), money is definately much tighter than a year ago....I know my brother has made good money in the past, and especially last year, he made a significant amount of money. They sold their house and built a gorgeous large new house... (my sis in law wasnt happy with it, she wanted bigger and more expensive but my brother refused and told her they were already going to have a huge mortgage). They also had brand new everything furniture wisefor this house, they already had a huge camping trailer, 2 4-wheeldrive atv's, all the toys they could want. She went out and leased a brand new vehicle without talking things ove with my brother (isn't marriage a partnership?...she wanted it and didn't care what my brother thought...2 weeks later he saw the same vehicle with leases going for 200 dollars less a month). My brother just sold the travel trailer and atv's this past month because money is tight now and there is always a slow down for work during the winter, so he was anticipating a tough financial situation and decided to make things easier financially for them all...so it was his opinion that when things pick back up financially they could buy new stuff, just not be so extravagant. He was planning to get a second job to make sure that ends would meet during the winter. Sounds reasonable to me. Anyway, he told me that she had been nagging him for months about getting a second job because they didn't have enough money to buy whatever she wanted and apparently she said "i'm not used to living this kind of lifestyle" and that he had better get a second job...meaning, she wanted him to get a second job so that she could still go shopping all she wanted to. Like i said there are two sides to every relationship and I really am not siding with my brother completely, but i do know how my sil is....so i feel bad for him. i can just imagine how a divorce will be financially for them...my sil will take a dump on him. I don't envy him any of this. It brings back to mind the stuff i went thru during my divorce and separation... all that hurt and I can't protect him from it. I do feel bad for my SIL and niece and nephew as well. I wont' say anymore about the issue but thanks again for you feedbck and support

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:angry: So sorry.

I wondered what was up, because I haven't had any chatty messages lately. I wondered if I had bad breath. Do you see any possibility of a reconciliation after some time and space?

I know how close you are to your brother and it will be so nice for you to be there for him. Try to get in another campiout before the weather turns.

I'll be thinking of you and yours.

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That is sad. Guess she feels she can do better now that she has lost weight. That's too bad. If he loved her before, she should know his love was true and that is hard to find. Maybe he is the one who can do better. Sure sounds like it.

And he does construction? What perfect timing for the garfield....

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I've seen these situations many times. If she's recently lost a lot of weight and "doesn't want to be with him anymore", he'd do well to scope out the situation thoroughly and make sure there is not another man involved!

My sympathy to him...he sounds like he deserves better!

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