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Loss of a loved one


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Hi everyone,

My mom passed sort of unexpectedly on 12-26-17. She had cancer but was in the hospital for something else and needed a routine, low risk procedure that was supposedly botched and she bled into her lung and died. So we lost her far sooner than we thought we would. I joined an online grieving forum but I know many here have lost loved ones and like me have used working on miniatures as a stress relief so I thought I'd ask this here.

I have run the gamut of feelings, they loop around and around, mostly guilt for not having seen my mom as much as I should have, so the stress and pain has been immense. But I have had this overwhelming desire to work on one of my dollhouses that I haven't touched in over a year. I feel like it is my brain's way of trying to give me a reprieve from the pain. But here's the problem; my guilt says I don't deserve to have a reprieve and I should just keep mourning my mom and feeling guilty.  So every time I look at that dollhouse I just want to escape into it and take a break from the pain but a part of me won't let me. Has anyone else here experienced anything like this? 

Thank you for taking time to read this.

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So sorry for the loss of your mother. Do not feel guilty about moving on to something which helps you cope. Many people have to return to work after just a day or two of paid leave. Online support groups are not the same as face to face support groups. Maybe find one locally to address your guilty feelings. While working on your house, listen to the tv or radio so that quite moments don’t cause your mind to wander into dark thoughts.

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Kari, my mother died almost 40 years ago and the pain is still there, and I still talk to her, because your loved ones never truly leave you.  Work on your house, and work your love for your mother into it.

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Kari Lynn, sending healing hugs and prayers for peace for all your family. Do try to find a local grief support group. Face to face is so much better than online chatter.

Each of us grieves in his or her own way. It sounds as if you have not started work on the dollhouse, just contemplated it. My suggestion is to do something to it. If it brings you peace, then continue. If the guilt is too painful, then leave it alone. Sable's suggestion to have the radio or tv on is a good one. The distraction can help.

One day at a time, dear heart. One day at a time.

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2 hours ago, Sable said:

. Maybe While working on your house, listen to the tv or radio so that quite moments don’t cause your mind to wander into dark thoughts.

Thank you Sable, I will definitely give this a try.

2 hours ago, Jeannine said:

 The fact that you have this need to work on the house is a blessing, something you can hold on to until you can stand on your own, you grab it and go for it. .

You will continue to mourn your Mum but you don't have to feel guilty. Treat the house as therapy. If this is what is calling you, then do it,

XX Jeannine

Jeannine, I'm sorry for the loss of your husband...but I think that gives you the right to say you know exactly how I'm feeling :)  And as for this advice I am going to try to remind myself this is a blessing and try to go for it, thank you.

 

1 hour ago, havanaholly said:

.  Work on your house, and work your love for your mother into it.

Thank you, Holly, I really like the thought of "work your love for your mother into it," I think this will really help me overcome some of my guilt at doing something other than feeling the guilt and remorse.

 

46 minutes ago, KathieB said:

 My suggestion is to do something to it. If it brings you peace, then continue. If the guilt is too painful, then leave it alone..

One day at a time, dear heart. One day at a time.

Thank you, Kathie, for this suggestion, I guess I have nothing to lose to just try to start and see what happens.

And I have to say, I have keep reminding myself 'One day at a time' so it's always good when someone else reminds me too, thank you.

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Sorry for the loss of your Mother, grief is such an individual process, as are the stages of grief, some you will go through some you will not.  I muddled around for a long time before finding an interesting concept that helped me, Benjamin Allen has written a book called " Out of the Ashes: Healing in the Afterloss"  Of course you miss the person that is gone, but an equal part of it is you miss the life you might have had if that person was still with you, I lost my husband in a bungled Cardic Cath operation, it is hard not to blame or feel anger at the whole process, some people do and some don't.  My best suggestion is to do what you feel like, keeping busy is good for some and not others, same with having TV or raido on, grief is as unique as the person suffering from it.  Try to take days one at a time, give yourself some leeway, don't be hard on yourself, it is natural to think of all the things you should have done, but there is no way to change that.  The person that knows best what you need to do is yourself, listen to what you need.

 

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Losing your mother is hard, but there is no need to feel guilty.  You love her and she loved you, miles don't change that.  I lost my mother years ago, we only saw each other once every three years or so. (I was in the military).  She died suddenly from traumtic brain injury, there was no warning.   

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I still have my mother, but I know the grief if I should lose her would be immense. I'm so sorry for your loss. The only thing I can think of that comes close was when I lost my grandmother several years ago. It was sudden and unexpected, heart attack, then stroke. What helped me was just trying to get back to my normal schedule, and if I was sad, to give myself permission to feel those feelings and to express them. I still miss her every day, but I know she's still with me.

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I understand your feelings also.  My mum (Beulah, hence my name here) was a sickly lady her entire life.  She was one of the ones they experimented with TB on.  It worked thank God, because now I'm here :)  She struggled to breath with COPD.  Mum, dad and my brother lived in Ottawa, Canada while I was here in Texas.  My brother passed 08/04/15 from cancer.  Mum passed 05/31/16.  I travelled to Canada 18 times in 2 years.  I miss her every single day. I still talk to her several times a day.  I too escape to my mini world.  When I'm feeling really bad, and I am working on my house, I put calming meditation music on.  It helps me.  My brother was an amazing man that could make train villages, that looked like you could step into it.  While working on my house, crying because I missed him not very long ago.  I looked through the dollhouse window into my own window. There was a cardinal looking in.  He was there for about 5 minutes. I know it was Ben looking in checking things out, saying Sis your not bad at this stuff lol.  Sending you a big hug 

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I'm so sorry for your loss it's never easy loosing some one you love .  I also lost my mom 20 years ago and still miss her . I can't help with the grieving process since I was young with young children and had no choice but to deal for my children sake . I do know this I still miss her all the time she was crafter until the end and she loved miniatures . I know she would be so happy helping me with a dollhouse since she and I  never had one  . So I remember her in every house I build by putting pansies some where either flowers, teapot or anything I can fine with a pansy on it . For me it's like she's here and it always makes me smile . 

Take care of yourself and keep giving yourself permission to build , to lay in bed, do whatever will get you to the next day. i know this is cliché but time does heal.

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I am so glad I came here and told of what I was going through. I thank each and every one of you for your kind thoughts and the advice...I am going to put a little of everyone's suggestions together and see what happens. Again thank you all so much!!

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So sorry for your loss Kari Lynn.. I lost my father suddenly 10 years ago.. it was so unexpected and really unbelievable to me that he was gone, just like that. It's still kind of unbelievable. I think with sudden loss.. these guilty feelings are natural. Because a lot is left unsaid and you always think you have more time with a loved one so we take them for granted a bit. 

I wrote a blog post about him around the 10th anniversary. I talked a bit about the loss and regret, but mostly about him. It was very cathartic. Sometimes focusing on the fun times, the good memories, can really help. 

I also agree with Sable that quiet time can be your enemy.. The TV or radio has been my saviour many a time.. rehashing stuff over and over in you head can be really distructive.. say me who does it all the time.:rolleyes:... 

With regards to your dollhouse. Holly is right, I think incorporating some aspects of your Mum's life would be a wonderful way to remember her. But everything at your own pace. it's supposed to be fun. If it's not, don't do it. Put it down and come back to it later.. it'll be waiting. :)

((Hugs))

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