Color Me Holly Posted July 30, 2007 Share Posted July 30, 2007 I got this in an email. Thought I would share. There was no author name in the email Congratulations! You are now the proud new owner of a teenaged daughter. Please read this manual carefully, as it describes the maintenance of your new daughter, and answers important questions about your warranty (which does NOT include the right to return the product to the factory for a full refund). IF YOU FEEL YOU HAVE RECEIVED YOUR TEENAGER IN ERROR: To determine whether you were supposed to receive a teenaged girl, please examine your new daughter carefully. Does she (a) look very similar to your original daughter, only with more makeup and less clothing? (:welcome: refuse to acknowledge your existence on the planet Earth (except when requesting money)? © sleep in a burrow of dirty laundry? If any of these are true, you have received the correct item. Nice try, though. BREAK-IN PERIOD: When you first receive your teenaged daughter, you will initially experience a high level of discomfort. Gradually, this discomfort will subside, and you will merely feel traumatized. This is the "Break-In Period," during which you are becoming accustomed to certain behaviors that will cause you concern, anxiety, and stress. Once you have adapted to these behaviors, your teenager will start acting even worse. ACTIVATION: To activate your teenaged daughter, simply place her in the vicinity of a telephone. No further programming is required. SHUTDOWN: Several hours after activation, you may desire to shut down your teenaged daughter. There is no way to do this. CLEANING YOUR TEENAGED DAUGHTER: Having a teenaged daughter means learning the difference between the words "clean" and "neat." Teenaged daughters are very clean, because they take frequent showers that last more than an hour. They will scrub themselves with expensive, fragrant soaps which you must purchase for them because like I'm sure I'm going to use like the same kind of soap my mom and dad use. When they have completely drained the hot-water tank, they will step out and wrap themselves in every towel in the bathroom, which they will subsequently strew throughout the house. If you ask them to pick up the towels, you are confusing "clean" with "neat." Teenagers are very busy and do not have time to be neat. They expect others to pick up after them. These others are called "parents." FEEDING YOUR TEENAGED DAUGHTER: Your teenaged daughter requires regular meals, which must be purchased for her at restaurants because she detests everything you eat because it is like so disgusting. She does not want you to accompany her to these restaurants, because some people might see you and like I'm sure I want my friends to see me eating dinner with my parents. Either order take-out food or just give her the money, preferably both. If you order pizza, never answer the doorbell because the delivery boy might see you and ohmigod he is so hot. Yes, your daughter's idea of an attractive man is the pizza boy. CLOTHING YOUR TEENAGED DAUGHTER: Retailers make millions of dollars a year selling stylish and frankly sensible clothing which will look adorable on your daughter. If you enjoy shopping, you will love the vast selections which are available to you. Unfortunately, your teenaged daughter wants to dress like a lap dancer. You may be able to coerce her into putting on a cute outfit before leaving the house, but by the time she walks in the schoolhouse door, she wil l be wearing something entirely different. OTHER MAINTENANCE: Teenaged daughters require one of two levels of maintenance: "High," and "Ultra High." Your daughter is "Ultra High." This means that whatever you do won't be enough and whatever you try won't work. WARRANTY: This product is not without defect because she has your genes, for heaven's sake. If you think this is not fair, talk to your parents, who think it is hilarious. Your teenaged daughter will remain a teenager for as long as it takes for her to become a woman, which in her opinion has already happened and as far as you are concerned never really will. If you are dissatisfied with your teenaged daughter, well, what did you expect? In any event, your warranty does not give you your little girl back under any circumstances, except that deep down she's actually still there -- you just have to look for her Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lony Posted July 30, 2007 Share Posted July 30, 2007 OMG how true is this! I wish I would have had this manual four years ago when, with just one phone call, "Congratulations its a girl and btw she is 13" Sigh, at least we can send them off knowing we did our best and pray that somewhere deep inside our nagging and unwanted advice sunk in. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IAK Posted July 30, 2007 Share Posted July 30, 2007 Wish I had this too...10 years ago. I have 4 daughters and this manual is right on. I just might e-mail this to them anyway...They'll get a kick out of it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KathieB Posted July 30, 2007 Share Posted July 30, 2007 ROFL!! ... how true! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
heidiiiii Posted July 30, 2007 Share Posted July 30, 2007 Omg! I am going thru this at this very moment. "do you have any money for pizza?" " there isnt anything to eat in here!" *slamming cabinet doors looking at the same food that was there five minutes ago. " I am starving!!" Heh! Like I care...I ate dinner. *snicker* Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
aggiemae Posted July 31, 2007 Share Posted July 31, 2007 I almost wet my pants! The teenage son manual would not be far off from this, except boys and their rooms smell worse. How many teenage boys does it take to change a roll of toilet paper? Answer: No one know because it has never been done. Answer 2: That's NOT funny! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KathieB Posted July 31, 2007 Share Posted July 31, 2007 Toilet paper ... Elder daughter is a real princess who takes advantage of her younger sister's amiable ways. On two or three occasions we heard the elder holler from the bathroom for the younger to bring her toilet paper. It bothered me that the elder was not taking responsibility for this simple chore but expected "curbside" service -- until the day that the younger one retorted: "If you can't get your own paper, use your towel!" Funny how TP is no longer an issue ... but now there is a small pyramid of rolls stacked on the back of the toilet in their bathroom. :welcome: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chesterfieldzoo Posted August 1, 2007 Share Posted August 1, 2007 I am so glad that my girls never got the "how to be a typical teenage girl" manual. I never had any of these problems. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Color Me Holly Posted August 1, 2007 Author Share Posted August 1, 2007 "If you can't get your own paper, use your towel!" Oh, my! ROFL! I am so glad that my girls never got the "how to be a typical teenage girl" manual. I never had any of these problems. My girls are flighty, whinin', pissy, moanin', screechin', yellin', hollerin', tattle-tailin', burpin', fartin', sloppy, dog painters, cat shavers, bug farmin', chore shrugging, chocolate mud pie makin', shoe loosing, "mom, do you have any money", dyed blue, dyed black, dyed purple, dyed blonde haired, bi-polar manic depressive, come home late with out calling, compulsive neat freak, back-talking, sarcastic, don't want to wear clothes today, hair cutting, color on walls, creative, artistic, story writing, imaginative, candy stashin', pizza beggin', 3.5 GPA, 3.0 GPA, Two perfect IRI Scores, mommy pay check makin', sing off key, daddy's little princess dare devils. My girls are absolutely, positively, 100% perfect. I have more to brag about than you do. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
heidiiiii Posted August 1, 2007 Share Posted August 1, 2007 OMG! Holly are my girls living with you? Cause I swear they are... You forgot a few...book reading, computer hogging, carpet staining, multiple body piercing, flat ironing, deodrant stealing, dvr overtaping, text messaging, I wanna go to the beach! screaming,dirty dish making,ONLY FRESH VEGGIES- vegetarian, enviromental nazi, lovely girls when they want to be and I wouldnt have it any other way. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dbrazelt Posted August 1, 2007 Share Posted August 1, 2007 I almost missed out with this one. We had two boys. They married, moved away and between them (so far) had five girls. The two older girls now have given us baby boys. Sounds like hopscotch doesn't it? At least we had a touch of teenager attitude when Marilyn was Chapter Advisor for a ZTA chapter in Texas. I then became the surrogate father for 100 teenage girls in their first episodes from their home environments. So I can really relate and enjoy the great satire you sent. ROFL Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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