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What to do?


nechee
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Ever since the problems with my MIL my Dh has turned to alcohol as his 'crutch'. he can't seem to understand the dangers of too much alcohol. My husband was a heavy drinker when I met him but he slowed down when our son was born. Now since all this mess with his mother he has been drinking more and more. I don't want to nag at him because that just makes him angry, but I can't watch him drink himself into an early grave. A lot of my relatives have dies because of alcohol and I do not want to see that happen to my DH. Does anyone have a suggestion that I can help my DH without nagging at him? I really need help with this. Thanks in advance for any suggestions.

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Alcoholics Anonymous has groups designed just for folks like you -- spouses (partners) of people who are alcoholics. You might want to see where the nearest groups are to you. Your spouse doesn't need to join..and likely won't, especially early on...but you can gain all sorts of insights about his behavior and your response to it. Good luck!

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As with any addiction, nagging is not the answer. Believe me, I know of what I speak. When he is in a sober state, talk to him about how he slowed down when your son was born and you hope that he will continue on his path.

Otherwise, it is up to him to decide when enough is enough. If it gets to the point that you are really scared you can see if there is an AlaNon meeting in your area.

They will be able to help you cope and figure out what to do... (((((Big Hugs)))))

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Alanon is a great group--my dad is an alcoholic--it helped me deal with how his drinking affected my life, and it helped me to learn to not get drawn into their drama. Having a father with a drinking problem is much different than a husband, I know, but there are many people in groups who will be able to help when the time is right. My mom stayed, but that's a whole story for another time....I have very limited contact now...

Hopefully, if you talk to him, he will see how things have changed, and will see that he needs to slow down and will just do it...otherwise, what can you do but find techniques to deal with his behavior? And pray alot,

Hugs to you too!

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I knkow exactly what you are going through i went through that with my daughter's father. No amount of talking to him helped. However what we eventually found out is that he had depression and once he started on meds for that he had to cut back his drinking as they dont mix with the meds and he felt a lot better and no does not have as much of a need to drink. Is it possible this could be the case in this situation as well?

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Run, do not walk, to Al-Anon and join up. It can help YOU to deal with his problem. It's not your problem, but you have to learn how to live with the problem without destroying yourself and your marriage. Been there and done that. Spent 15 years with Al-Anon before I gave up on my relationship and walked out. You cannot fix his problem or help him, but you can help yourself. Al-Anon is for you and the family. Ala-Teen works with teenagers as well.

Good luck!

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I have heard that taking B-12 supplements for some reason or other curbs the desire for alcohol.....it might be worth a try....sorry you are going through this...it's not easy....

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Sometimes the Law of Unintended Consequences can really get you. To clarify, I believe the alcohol is hubby's way of dealing with his emotions on the situation and you and hubby (I'm sure) never meant for him to drink more. My heart goes out to you. You are trying SO hard to keep it together and now this. I have no advice to give with no experience in this area, other than DO NOT nag, it will only make him defensive. What I can give is Extra Large e-hugs and my thoughts and prayers. And there are lots of shoulders to cry on here.

Terri

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The only advice I have for you is to explore the pattern here. The fruit doesn't fall far from the tree, it's just that we don't think about it that way. So while it's alcohol he's selected as his weapon of choice - he's using it the same way his mother uses her matyrdom. It may be a means to an end for his issues with his mother. If he is choosing to drink in this new uncomfortable situation, that's his coping mechanism AND probably his way of subliminally punishing everyone around him for it. So I'm wondering if the question you need to ask him is 'what do you, as a family unit, need to do now to make this situation liveable, and preferably comfortable for everyone.' It's an abstract question that doesn't put him in a defensive corner, but enables him to discuss it if he's willing to. If not, then problems are probably going to escalate. IMHO.

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The only advice I have for you is to explore the pattern here. The fruit doesn't fall far from the tree, it's just that we don't think about it that way. So while it's alcohol he's selected as his weapon of choice - he's using it the same way his mother uses her matyrdom. It may be a means to an end for his issues with his mother. If he is choosing to drink in this new uncomfortable situation, that's his coping mechanism AND probably his way of subliminally punishing everyone around him for it. So I'm wondering if the question you need to ask him is 'what do you, as a family unit, need to do now to make this situation liveable, and preferably comfortable for everyone.' It's an abstract question that doesn't put him in a defensive corner, but enables him to discuss it if he's willing to. If not, then problems are probably going to escalate. IMHO.

I have to completely agree with this.

I also feel that you can't help some people sometimes, they have to make that decision for themselves... if he chooses to drink alot more now and won't listen to you when you try to discuss this with him, talking more and more about it won't help, it will only make him defensive and the problem will get worse. I know what i'm talking about from personal experience. Also my father was an alcoholic and it destroyed our family. He was also a VERY mean drunk and would make death threats to my mother. We went to Al-anon when we were kids. It obviously helped me some. I don't feel like I HAVE to fix the problem. And if a significant other doesn't want to either, I don't want to be in that relationship. I can't enable that person to not only destroy themselves but me as well. I know that is just me and I'm not recommending divorce to you, but I would recommend going to Al-anon to get help for yourself.

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