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Hanging my head in shame....


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I used to have this problem too! It seemed that anything that interested me was a waste of time, money etc. etc. etc. But now, I just collect my Alimony every month and do what I want. I don't even have to sneak stuff in. there was lots of other problems too, so, I am not suggesting anything drastic, this is just my situation. ;)

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Cindy -

I sympathize with you. I really believe that there's so much stress in the world today because people work too hard and don't take time for the simple pleasures in life. Creating in miniature, through embroidery and reading greatly define who I am. It's important to have "me" time doing whatever it is ....well, mostly ....that you enjoy doing.

Ray would never ever make a deal out of what I spend on my hobby. He loves being married to someone who is happy and free to express herself. We don't have children (I've adopted grandchildren, however) and both work at very good paying jobs. Two years ago, for the first time in our careers my earning capacity exceeded his. He's not intimidated at all. In another year he'll retire. I love my job and plan on working a few more years. I only work 3 days a week, so I am fortunate to have time to enjoy my miniatures and my cats. I have full benefits in my job and a wage package that pays me more for my 20-hour work week than a lot of comparable administrative jobs. Working for a politician, I was able to negotiate an excellent wage/benefits package because if my experience.

Whenever I hear a husband denying his wife privileges, it makes me see red. I told Ray when I married him, that I love him, but would not live in a relationship where he dictated how I should live. I made it clear that if I wasn't happy in my marriage, then I would leave the marriage. I will not sacrifice my happiness and needs for a marriage. I think that both parties lose out when this happens.

Hugs

-Susanne

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My ex husband would have been very disapproving of my hobby for several reasons. First he hated that i was independant and a "home body". He wanted me to always get out of the house and hang out with friends, be social. He said it was arrogant to only want my own company. That isn't how I saw it...i'm not a social butterfly and have a hard time making conversation with people. I was content to have his company but that wasn't social enough...so building dollhouses would have been too solitary. Second, he would not have tolerated me spending the money that i do. Also, anything that took my attention off of him was an imposition....

I used to give him my paychecks every payday. The money would go into a joint account and my spending money was the money i spent on necessaties for the house such as food or cleaning stuff. He would be unhappy with me if i spent 60 dollars in one week on groceries (this would also include some of the necessary items that we needed like laundry soap or cleaning supplies)....he wanted variety in the food and snacks that we had around but didn't want to shell out the money. ....he'd harp on me to use coupons but he didn't understand that just because you use a coupon doesn't mean you are saving money if your buying crap that isn't what you need. I'd go thru the coupons in the sunday paper with him and show him just how many i actually could use and not spend on junk. He still didn't get it. He was always able to find the money for his hobby which was collecting antique pinball machines (the type with the wood rails)..yah, we had a great gameroom in the basement...and boy you should have seen the stash of machines we had in the garage....iloved his hobby and supported him because it was cool...but it was his hobby paid for wiht my money as well as his. ....but if i spent money on fabric or stuff for cross stitching or scrapbooking i was wasting money. He started giving me an allowance. 15 dollars a month. wow. I'd sneak a little extra here and there and the "allowance" stopped. what the f....???????then he and his friends started up a business putting pinball machines, arcade games, pool tables and jukeboxes in bars and pizza places. they never made money on it because the money went back into paying for the machines that they bought brand new. that money came out of our joint bank account. i never benefitted from it and at the time it was okay because he was my husband...now i see it differently. Yah, i never had to work full time when i was in college and i'm grateful for that, but i helped finance his flying career. As soon as he started making good money as an airline pilot we divorced. I'm not bitter although it may sound like it. My point is, if you are in a relationship and someone is controlling, especially when you are contributing financially, tell your spouse to jump off. if you have extra spending money and your contributing to the financial pot and paying the bills, you are entitled to spend some money on yourself. I would never put myself in that position again and I would NEVER NEVER NEVER have a joint account again. I was a blind silly person for doing what i did to support his hobbies and always put myself and my wishes behind his. He was selfish with our money...his hobbies were okay, apparently mine were not. Well ultimately he was a selfish, self centered person so that is why we aren't together. NEVER would tolerate another partner like that again!!!!

Now i go off and overspend on my hobbies...lol....i pay my bills but i don't have money to buy food. i just got paid and I am broke for the next two weeks. that is the opposite extreme and a true sicko addiction. ....lol...sorry i got off topic...my point is spend some money on yourself. tell your spouse to stop being a selfish stinker.

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Margarita,

Sounds like you're making up for lost time on things you've wanted. Don't feel bad, we're adults and we can accept responsibility for our choices. Sometimes minis means more than food. I'm fairly careful on what I spend on minis and usually happy with things that aren't terribly expensive, but some weeks I cut down on food if I know there's something else I really want. I feel smart about that!

I think a lot of these issues are about power and control and how much we as women are willing to give up and/or share our independence.

Minis Over The Hill ;)

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  • 1 month later...

I am one of the lucky ones I guess. DH may make a comment or two, but he would never forbid me from doing anything. He knows that if he did that, I would go out of my way to do it just to spite him. :popcorn: But seriously, he has a gaming hobby that equals my dollhouse hobby. Just the other day, I spent $43 at Hobby Lobby. When I got home, he asked if there was enough $$ for a new game. Since I was feeling a bit of buyers remorse, I told him yes, there was and I ran and got the game for him. Oh, and just last night he was looking at scroll saws for me. After seeing Gina's creations, he thought it would be something I would enjoy doing. Oh my! What a surprise that was. He said I could make things and set up a website to sell them. He has all kinds of plans for me. :flowers:

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Reading these replies has drawn me to the inevitable conclusion that we are all married to the same man. How does he do it??!

ooooo myyyyyyy he was my ex too!!!!!! how extraordinary :popcorn:

Linda

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I dont want to seem like I am man bashing but here it is...It is 2008..Why do so many husbands still think it is 1958? 1968?

My father had a gambling problem. Horse racing. When he got paid every week, he would go to the bank and cash his check. Then he would give my mother the money that was left over and she would go to the bank to deposit it. She never knew how much he made that year until she did the taxes. We did without alot and he would get mad if they had to *dip* into his money for extras..like sneakers. He would get livid every December because he had to shell out $20 for a christmas tree.

I am fortunate that Fred and I do not try to crush each others dreams, wants, or desires. He will jokingly say something when a package arrives but it is never mean spirited.

Just because you do not work outside the home does not mean you are not an equal partner. I hate when I hear that someone`s spouse says stuff like that.

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When I just bought my electrical kit for my BH my DH just said "is that it for a while?" Then today he bought two games for his PS3. I asked him the same question. He laughed because he remembered asking me the same question. However we both agree that we need our hobbies or else we would just irritate each other. I love him dearly and could not live without him, but there is a such thing as Too much togetherness.

However my MIL still thinks it is 1958 and that husbands should rule the roost, but I just smile and say "welcome to the millenium."

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When I just bought my electrical kit for my BH my DH just said "is that it for a while?" Then today he bought two games for his PS3. I asked him the same question. He laughed because he remembered asking me the same question. However we both agree that we need our hobbies or else we would just irritate each other. I love him dearly and could not live without him, but there is a such thing as Too much togetherness.

However my MIL still thinks it is 1958 and that husbands should rule the roost, but I just smile and say "welcome to the millenium."

:p

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I hide my purchases and lie, lie lie. LOL :D

ROFL!! Me too Greg even though DH really never says anything. He actually likes my houses :p

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I just don't understand why a grown up woman in North America especially would tolerate anyone berating her for anything that makes her happy, is not dangerous, and does not detract from life essentials such as feeding the kids, cleaning (within reason!) etc...

A bully will bully you as long as you let him. Just don't let him! Remind him that alimony payments are far more expensive than a miniature hobby (well - if not, then I guess I can see the problem).

Women deal with enough garbage, work too hard, get too little thanks. If your partner is a dictator put him in his place!

Phew, the soapbox is a tiring place.

But really, it hurts my heart to hear these things. Shame and belittling are so ugly and lasting. You're fabulous people, and strong people, and don't take it anymore! :D :lol: :p

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I think everyone's ex is a set of triplets (or more). My ex was like that too. And worse, his hobbies would take away from bill money, and I would be expected to fix it. How I could do that I still haven't figured out. And even more worse, it would be my fault...he didn't see the bill (when he was the one to go to the mailbox 99% of the time), or I couldn't fix it for whatever reason. All I can say there is that I'm not married to him anymore and stay away from me and the kids. Which he has done for over 3 years now, but doesn't pay his child support either. Which he now owes over 10K.

My hubby now doesn't understand the dollhouse thing AT ALL. He has just found out how MUCH I have spent and he is very upset with me. I have overspent. WAY overspent. I am going to go get a weekend job to replace money from savings. He is not making me, I am choosing to. I think that the denying myself for years for my ex, and not getting what I wanted or worse, needed, caught up with me and I went nuts and have taken advantage of the fact that hubby now makes a good salary and is retired Air Force with a pension check every month for that.

I can see everyone's situation here, and I would like mine to be better...hopefully it will get there one day...though I do expect that when I go back to work full time and after getting at least an associate's degree, if not bachelor's, that I will get to spend more of what I want and don't have to try to hide it. I have already told hubby that when I go back to work full time, that I WILL have someone to clean the house at least once every 2 weeks. I am NOT going to spend alot of my personal time cleaning. Just my choice. And if I want a dollhouse or minis I will buy it and have to do nothing more than let him know that I bought it. Though I will tell him how much if he asks.

Terri

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I must say I am so happy I married my husband and not some other guy. My husband will not participate in building with me BUT, he totally encourages me! He bought my first house which was $150 but cause it was on sale for 50% off we paid $75 and we really did not have the money. He did it cause he wanted to see me smile and to make me happy! Recently, he helped me with building the Castle (the nottingham by Earth & Tree) cause there was NO way to do it by myself.

I think that I am so happy that I made this choice when picking him :D Now, do he feel I spend too much on minis and do he feel that I have too many minis.....YES! But he loves me and acept my addiction to Greenleaf dollhouses another fine miniatures :D .....Oh and the Dolls too.....Ohh I LOVE pretty wrapping paper & note paper that I never use cause it's too pretty

I do feel guilty sometimes though like, when I see a sale, and I spend money when I know we are both supposed to be saving :p . I think that is why I am addicted to selling things too. I get to build everything but sell them and make my money back (Then I save that money...sometimes :D )

Some complaining is acceptable in my case (though he never does :lol: ), I do have too many hobbies and we have NEVER used our garage for the cars. The Garage has always been full of my stuff, dolls, dollhouses, train stuff and pretty papers That's why I know he REALLY loves me :wub:

I am so glad I never married the other guys I dated though. I think they are on the same Gene pool as the mean men who are dream killers here. I am so glad that those types of guys are ex's now.

Oh I knew I shouldn't.... But I just couldn't help it.... He just doesn't get it when I tell him what a deal I got! Or how it's a discontinued dollhouse and if I didn't buy it then I would have lost it forever! Sigh.... he really knows how to take the joy out of something!

Any sympathy... anyone?

Cindy, I think your guy is still in the good Gene pool. :p The words shouldn't bother you too much when you can see behind the words that he loves you. I know he does. Some guys DON'T understand the love of minis and think it should stop at one house :o . My husband got over that really quick (Like after the 2nd year of marriage) he saw it was just part of me.

Some of the comments here has really made me appreciate what I have here.

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My DH actually got me started building dh kits and even though he jokingly complains we're running out of room (which we ARE) he still buys me power tools and one day came home from our local resale shop with every HOM furniture kit they had gotten in!; so after what will be 45 years in August I think I've got a "keeper", too!

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My DH actually got me started building dh kits and even though he jokingly complains we're running out of room (which we ARE) he still buys me power tools and one day came home from our local resale shop with every HOM furniture kit they had gotten in!; so after what will be 45 years in August I think I've got a "keeper", too!

Holly, it sounds like we have the same hubby! Shortly after we got married, I mentioned to Jerry how I had always wanted to have a dollhouse. He bought the LaFayette for me at a mini store in the town my sister lives in. He built it and some of the furniture kits for me. Then, we had fun finding little things for it at yard sales, thrift stores, etc. Neither of us knew anything about scale or anything else then, but it didn't seem to matter. He still buys kits/supplies/etc for me. He won't throw anything away without first checking with me to see if I can make something. (or, he'll give me something and tell me what he thinks it could be used for) However, with our tiny house, he has gotten to the point where he cringes if I start a new project. I just started an ice cream parlor and his first question was "who are you making that for?" I could see him bravely fighting back a groan when I told him I was keeping it! lol

I was married to a royal jerk before, though, who thought that every penny I made should go for his drinking. He worked occasionally, but not often. Bills rarely got paid and I always got blamed (and beat) for it. He even would take the kids' Christmas gifts back to the stores for extra money to go drinking on. I stayed for six years, because I had my mom telling me how I needed a man and nobody else would want me with three kids. I can't believe that I bought into that! (sadly, she still believes it!) Since there was no money for anything else, a hobby was completely out of the question. I'm so thankful that I finally woke up and realised that it would be far better to be happy without a man in my life than to be miserable with him in my life!

Jerry is often the first one to brag about my scenes to visitors, friends, co-workers, etc. He's very proud of them and still helps me out with things, once in awhile. When I had my display uptown last year, he took all his friends (at different times) to see it!

To only echo what everyone else here has said, if the bills are paid and money is put aside for emergencies, indulge in your hobby! My dollhouses/scenes make me feel a lot better about myself and I'm sure I'm not the only one.

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I am now single too and love my new hobby. My ex used to question everything I bought (I worked too). If he bought something, it was ok, if I did, I was wasting money.

Going on 6 years now and I love my life! When some people find out what my new hobby is, the first response is, "we have to find you a man!" and I respond, what do I want one of them for? I really enjoy my life. I work, spend some time with my adult daughters, and do what ever I want with the rest which happens to be minis at the moment! I am 48 and the happiest I've been in my life!

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For all of us who have divorced bad husbands and especially IF there is anyone out there who is with a bad one, hope you're not but if you are, or if we know anyone else who is with a bad spouse. It's not just the men anymore. A friend of mine told me something that has stuck with me to this day:

There are worse things than being alone!!!

Terri

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  • 2 weeks later...

Oh the shame! I really try to order things so they arrive on a Friday when I am home and my hubby is at work. I do the same thing mentioned previously...lie, lie lie. My aunt gave it to me is a good one. Beside, as my DF (darling father - very wise man) once told me, IT IS MUCH EASIER TO ASK FOR FORGIVENESS, THAN IT IS TO ASK FOR PERMISSION! I just love that man.

Audra

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From reading all the posts would it be fair to say that men fall in to certain catergories.

Not necessary in this order (but I can't cut and paste for some reason).

Those that love and support us, but won't help. (but don't whinge about the money we spend).

Those that love and might support us, do'nt help but bite their lip at the money we spend.

Those that love and support us and help. (even buy us powertools).

Those that love and support us and take over or join in our hobby.

Those that love and support us, but don't want to see another doll house enter the property.

Those what love us, but not our hobby.

Those that love us and HATE our hobby.

And those that we left...................

I'm not saying, leave a husband if he don't like dollhouses, it's just the feeling I get that as women (sorry gents) get older and wiser, our need to stay with an unsupportive hubby waynes and our need for friends, family and hobbies takes over.....Usually aftert the kids leave and you finally have time to do things you want! and not just the laundry and house work........

After all we married these gents for something other than our hobby! But peole grow and change over time, and we need to as a couple remeber this.

As I have said before I have a great husband (who truth to tell, ticks as many things to buy on the mini web sites as me, and then offers to pay for them as they are his selection) but if any one asks it's my hobby, but that's fine by me, its our secert and I love him for it..... :)

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